I Always will
by MagicZebra123
Summary: Small fic i wrote when feeling forlorn, enjoy! R&R, anonymous reviews welcome!


I miss you so much it hurts

I just want you back

but the connection we had

is gone

and cannot be repaired

But hear me now

I love you

and I always will

its just hard

to convey that through words

So I write to you

to tell you I love you

and that I always have

I need you back

and I'm sorry

for the way I am

that wasn't quite what I wanted it

to be

and what you needed me to be.

Depression

I word I resent

because that's all I am

I wish I could change it

for you.

To make you happy

and to let you see me be happy

when I needed to be

was to hard for me

and I'm sorry.

I wanted to be there for you

but I didn't now how

to love

and not hurt someone

I didn't know better

I was scared of losing you

but now I'm scared of losing myself

to my feelings

thoughts

and state of mind.

Now I think I know

I just cannot convey

what I feel for you

in words

and when I write this

I cry for us

all we had

and all we lost.

I loved you

and I still do

but the time just isn't right

but it will be

one day

when I am happy with who I am.

So maybe

just maybe

if we can agree

to just love apart

and together

for as long as you want to

and can take.

We could bend

and never break

but only

if we can survive

long enough for us

to do either.

We could be happy

and by happy I mean really

like when we were

a long long time ago.

The spark has not left

just me

I have left you

because I could not handle my emotions

like I needed to.

I know you probably don't want me

after what I said

I wish I could portray that in words

but they just don't come to me

naturally.

So this is what I wish

for you and for me

to just release the tension

that has come between us

and be happy

like we were before.

Before I wasn't happy

I just sulked everywhere

when I knew I couldn't let you see me

because I knew it would upset you

to see me as such a different person

then what I had portrayed to everyone else

including you.

I didn't want you to see me like this

scared and saddened by the world

that tried so hard to keep me happy

and keep me smiling

It just didn't work.

I love you

and I always have

and always will

I'm just not ready

for you to hold me

and tell me I'm pretty

every day until I told you to stop

because I didn't believe you.

Belief in you

you made me happy

and I love you for that

you beloved in me.

Belief

I had it for a long time

and I still have it

but it has been hidden

by my state of mind

that I cannot control

on my own.

Depression

I don't want to handle it

and let you see me

not be happy

like we were

before.

I wanted for us to be happy

and I wanted to be happy

from the start

but I just wasn't

and I didn't want to put you through that

I knew it would hurt you

to see me in this state

so I kept it hidden

so you wouldn't have to see me

and tell me it would all be ok

when I knew it probably wouldn't be.

Its not because of you

I feel this way

it came like a tornado

things swept up and carried away from me

there was no way for me to stop it.

You were never the reason

I felt this way

about myself and the world

it just happened

and I felt like

there was no way to stop it

and no way to control it.

I felt so vulnerable

being around people

and trying to blend in

and pretend

I wasn't different

in ways no one could see

and the ways

that no one wanted to believe.

I don't know how long its been

since I've been happy

and happy to be alive.

You changed something in me though

I wanted to be alive

and live for you

I tried to hide this side of me

from you

just so I could be happy around you

and no one else.

I wanted my efforts not to fail

but I saw something wrong

with myself

that I knew you would be scared of

and maybe even scared of me

if I were to be controlled

by this alternate state of mind

I might do something someday

something I might regret

but until I do

I love you

and I always will

and that means something to me

and always will.

For our final goodbye

I wish for you

to be happy

and try to keep yourself happy

even without me

and for you not end up like me.

I want you to be happy

and I want you to love

and be loved

by someone who can love you back

no matter what happens.

I love you

and I always will

you have made an impact

on me and my life

in the best way possible.

Don't be sad

that I decided to do what I did

just know

that I love you

in spirit and in body

and I promise

That I love you

And I always will.

And that means something.


End file.
